“Now, tell me again why you are going back to Mexico”

Well, I bought our tickets to go back to Mexico today. September 18^th. We are all very excited to go back to Mexico City. And also apprehensive as our plans are much less firm than we would like. Neither Amanda nor I have a for-sure job. Amanda is starting her photography business when we get back and hoping to do lots of baptisms, weddings, quinceañeras, birthdays and family sessions.  Plus she will keep volunteering at the girls’ home. I will be working on getting the research I finished last year on kids in prison published in Mexico and presenting it at a few conferences. I also am working on some new project proposals but I don’t have any funding yet to stay long-term.

But the reaction to us going back has been…. mixed. Now, when we went to Mexico a year ago I had a Fulbright Fellowship, so it was easier to explain why we were going. Without a plan set in stone, it is a bit easier to question our wisdom about going back now. Most of the less-enthusiastic reactions have been from our “church” friends and family.

The one understandable reason for my family to live in Mexico and work with at-risk kids would be if we were MISSIONARIES (queue the angles’ “awww”). Sorry, we are not missionaries. At least not how you're thinking. We are not trying to start new churches, convince people to stop going to catholic church, street preaching, or translating the Bible into indigenous languages.

But we do believe that trying to live like Jesus means living outside our comfort zone. We do believe that we can learn something about our Maker by learning about and living in other cultures. We do believe that using our talents and passions to contribute to a more just society is following Jesus.

Ultimately, the decision to go back to Mexico was easy to make but also full of apprehension. I’ve had more sleepless nights thinking worrying about whether we would be able to make it in Mexico this coming year or not. While deciding to leave our house and jobs and move out to DC for law school was a big step, going back to Mexico is the biggest step of faith our family has taken. We have been praying a lot. We appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts, and words of encouragement.

Of course, it might not work out for us in Mexico and we will be back to the US looking for “real jobs” by January!

If My Boys Were Still Alive...

I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe how people say God has a plan for my life, at least not in the way they usually mean it. I don't believe that God directs every event.  Or that people die because it was part of "God's plan." People who smoke are more likely to die from cancer. People who don't wear their seat belts are more likely to die in a car crash. Unless you believe God just happens to "call home" more people who don't wear seat belts.

I believe that there are other ways my life could have turned out. If I had made different decisions. If random events had transpired differently. If my boys hadn't died.

It is strange to think, but I believe it is true, that if my twin boys hadn't been born at 22 weeks and died that I would not be a human rights attorney. My family would not have moved to Washington DC or, later, to Mexico. Or that we may not have had my daughter who was born 22 months after the twins died.

I imagine my life with my boys. Being exhausted by them. Watching them play together. All the things that would have been difficult and amazing about watching them grow up. They would be six or seven by now. I think I would be happier.

Mostly I think about how it changed what I believe. I used to really think that bad things wouldn't happen to me. Not that nothing bad would happen. I thought that if I did something stupid that it could turn out badly. Or that something bad could happen. But I didn't really think that something irreversibly bad would ever really happen to me. It sounds so foolish to actually write it out. But that was what I thought. Some part of me did believe in a heavenly destiny for my life and I figured it would be pretty good most all of the time.

Imagine my shock when something irreversibly and unimaginably bad did happen. My believe system was completely de-constructed. God is good... God is all powerful... God hears us and answers... God acts in the world. All these beliefs were fair game.

What I have been left with is hope. It is a word that appears a lot in the Christian Bible, but isn't a popular word among Christians because knowing is so much more important. You have to know certain things and believe them without doubt. There is a continuum between Certain Belief and Doubt. I think the way we use the word hope makes Christians think it belongs right next to Doubt on that continuum. But Hope doesn't exist on that continuum at all.

But I hope. Hope is a much scarier place to live than Certainty. Without a net. It is also less judgmental, points fingers less, lectures less.

I hope God hears me. I hope that God loves me. I hope that there is something better when I die and that on that day I will see my boys again.